Oct. 30, 2025

Owning Pride and Preparing for Marriage

Have a question or comment for Pastor Plek or one of his guests. Send it here. 372: Pride shows up in strange outfits, and ours wore a white dress. We share how engagement exposed pride, how confession and forgiveness changed the room, and why gratitude lowers anxiety. Then we answer a listener’s question on the parable of the ten virgins and explain why oil symbolizes the Holy Spirit and readiness. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs calm in the chaos, and le...

Have a question or comment for Pastor Plek or one of his guests. Send it here.

372: Pride shows up in strange outfits, and ours wore a white dress. We share how engagement exposed pride, how confession and forgiveness changed the room, and why gratitude lowers anxiety. Then we answer a listener’s question on the parable of the ten virgins and explain why oil symbolizes the Holy Spirit and readiness. If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs calm in the chaos, and leave a review to help others find these conversations.

Text your questions to us at 737-231-0605 or visit pastorplek.com. We talk faith, culture, and everything in between.

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00:00 - Engagement Update And Conflict Breakthrough

02:45 - Naming The Wedding Idol

05:40 - Prayer, Psalm 51, And Conviction

09:20 - Decision-Making And Expectations Clash

12:00 - Counseling Lens On Couples’ Emotions

15:20 - Emotional Flooding And Controlled Withdrawal

19:30 - Shutdowns, Racetracking, And Active Listening

24:30 - Past Wounds, Mercy, And Grace

29:40 - Raising Emotional Capacity And Family Of Origin

34:10 - Confession, Forgiveness, And Gratitude Practices

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Welcome back to Pastor Plex Podcast.

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I'm your host, Pastor Plex, and we have once again in studio, nother than Nicole Super Trooper Troop, so grateful that you've joined us.

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Whoop, whoop.

00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:20.079
So now we really need to know what's the latest going on with the engagement.

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Is it has it been challenging or have you got it figured out?

00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:28.239
I feel like we've got it figured out.

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Really?

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Yeah.

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You have got it figured out.

00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:30.879
Yeah.

00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:32.960
We did some good conflict resolution.

00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:36.560
Well, tell me about conflict resolution and what technique you used.

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Um I confronted my own pride.

00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:43.119
Wow.

00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:49.200
Uh yeah, that I mean, I've so far only done this once, so hopefully it sticks.

00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:52.719
Lord willing, Holy Spirit be with me.

00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:59.359
Um, but like I realized that like like conversations don't always go well.

00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:08.159
And this isn't just in a like romantic relationship, but in general, when you're conflict resolutioning with other people, right?

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It it's like sometimes it's like this back and forth of like, well, you did this, and it's like, well, you did this, and it's like, well, you did this.

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And it suddenly I was like, hey, maybe I should just apologize for what I did wrong.

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So in you know, in the Mr.

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Weenie technique, that would be escalation.

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Don't escalate.

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Don't escalate.

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Don't escalate.

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When you have an opportunity to take it down a notch and just own something, be like, Yeah, you're right.

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Yeah.

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And usually they're like, Yeah, that's right.

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You are whatever the thing is.

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Yeah.

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Well, and like I would I was like, I was just feeling some like pretty deep conviction about, yeah, I don't know.

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I think how does the Lord speak to you?

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Most women probably feel this way, but I definitely was like idolizing the wedding day and like the wedding planning process.

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You know, like I had this picture in my mind of how it was gonna go, and it was gonna be perfect and wonderful, and I was gonna be the center of attention and it was gonna be all about me and you know, all that stuff.

00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:07.280
Yeah.

00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:12.000
Not like we're, you know, gonna spend the rest of our lives together and want to make sure we have a good foundation for a marriage, right?

00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:13.520
I mean, who cares about the rest of your life?

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Let's knock out a awesome wedding day, and then you can put that in a picture and then just live in that for the rest of your life.

00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:18.800
Yeah, exactly, right?

00:02:18.960 --> 00:02:21.360
Uh, well, that doesn't quite work out.

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And so part of the my struggle in wedding planning is that I was wrestling with this idol that I basically have in my life.

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Um and that was hard.

00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:48.879
And so I did a lot of confession just on Sunday in general, like before the Lord.

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Like that was my that was my big thing before communion on Sunday.

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Oh nice.

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Uh I have never prayed so much in my life.

00:02:56.719 --> 00:03:00.319
Um I like prayed for an hour straight Sunday after I got home.

00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:00.960
Wow.

00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:02.479
Um So how how did you do that?

00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:07.199
When you got home to pray for an hour straight, were you on your knees, were in your room, on your bed, what were you doing?

00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:12.800
I I was curled up in this chair that I have in my room, which is where I normally do my quiet time.

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And um I was bawling like a baby.

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Nice.

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Um and I anytime I feel this like deep conviction, Psalm 51, I think.

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Is it's Psalm 51.

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Yeah, that's one about your sin.

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Yeah.

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Um created me a clean heart.

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Created me.

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It's that one.

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It's actually it's actually David's psalm of repentance after Nathan confronts him about Bathsheba.

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And um like that that psalm has always really resonated with me when I'm feeling convicted.

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Um, because it's just like you're expressed you're expressing the like depth of your depravity and like how much you need the Lord to like pull it out of you.

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Yeah, basically.

00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:12.560
But you're also like asking for God's forgiveness, like remember not my transgressions, like you know, turn your eyes, turn your face from my sin, like all that stuff.

00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:15.520
Um so tell me what it is about the wedding.

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I know it's an idol, I know it's something you've been dreaming about your whole life, all that.

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But what about it were you expecting that what like I know about you, but like because sometimes people get it wouldn't have mattered if it was perfect, it wasn't it you since there was no specific thing you were actually looking forward to, whatever it is isn't reality unless it's like you ended up in a mansion somewhere with like angels floating down.

00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:45.199
I mean, what was it that you were wanting that didn't meet expectation?

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I thought that I would get to make all of the decisions without consulting anyone.

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Yeah.

00:04:54.399 --> 00:05:01.920
Like I thought that I would just get to like say to my fiance, like, hey, this is what we're doing, and he would be like, Okay, that sounds great.

00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:06.480
Um You know, there are a lot of women who do get that, but you know Yes, there are.

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That's the Lord's sanctification for you.

00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:09.360
Yes, it is.

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Get that.

00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:12.959
It is, and I have a really hard time when I don't get my way.

00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:13.439
Yeah, okay.

00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:14.879
I'm sure there are people who resonate.

00:05:15.279 --> 00:05:27.120
And I think this is what's what like I think you know a lot of people, like when when you get married, and I've I've told you this before, like the engagement period is just the worst, just because you have all the responsibility of marriage with none of the benefits.

00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:27.439
Yeah.

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And so um it does kind of suck.

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It does suck.

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So what that means is is you're feeling like all the weight of this, and then when it doesn't go your way, there isn't just a such an easy way of resolve other than for you to sanctify yourself and grow, which nobody's really thrilled about.

00:05:47.279 --> 00:05:47.759
Yeah.

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All right.

00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:56.079
So um, all right, let's let's then talk about then uh so you guys are doing well now.

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What's the next step for you in the marriage process?

00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:06.079
Um, we're still trying to nail down a venue, but we do have like a top two, three-ish.

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Our third choice is basically like kind of a backup.

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Um, but Nick is doing what Nick does best and is negotiating.

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Negotiating.

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I appreciate negotiator.

00:06:17.040 --> 00:06:18.800
He is negotiating, yes.

00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:24.399
And that is his that is this, that is an amazing skill that he has.

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Yeah.

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And I'm so impressed by him.

00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:36.800
Um But I mean, you know, he's been in sales for forever and he knows how to talk to salespeople, and that's all venue people are is there's salespeople.

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They're just trying to sell you on an experience and a vision in this place or whatever.

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So and it's if it's better probably for the person that doesn't have that as their dream to be the one negotiating.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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All right, okay, so then, all right, so now how is this playing into your role as an up-and-coming counselor?

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As an up-and-coming counselor, oh gosh.

00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:03.839
Um, I like like couples counseling is a thing.

00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:12.399
And so to like finally be able to understand the dynamic that happens between two people is actually really helpful.

00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:12.879
Yeah.

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Because before when I would see couples fight, I would be like, guys, this is so obvious.

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Like, why don't you just know how to fix this?

00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:20.480
Yeah, right.

00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:24.399
And it's like, oh, it's because you're so wrapped up in your own emotion, right?

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And like this is the person that you love.

00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.879
But also like love is a pretty like big feeling.

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Yeah.

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And so when things are like not going well, you feel that, but like over here negatively.

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Yeah.

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But it's still a really big feeling.

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All right.

00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:46.000
So tell me about like the theoretical that became personal from counseling.

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Is there anything that's like, you know, like you had an idea of why you need to do this, I don't know, active listening or whatever, and you can't just say like that's dumb.

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Do this.

00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:54.720
Yeah.

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Has there been anything that it was theoretical and then all of a sudden became personal?

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All of the listening skills, all of the listening skills, also non-confrontational vocabulary of like a lot of the way that we naturally talk is like very accusational.

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Right.

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Is that a real word?

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Yeah.

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Um a lot of women use you, you say like you did this, dude, or you're not blah, blah, blah, or like you make me feel blah, blah, blah.

00:08:27.680 --> 00:08:30.079
You know, it's all about like the other person.

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And it's not, you're not really saying anything about like yourself.

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Right.

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But you've also talked about this too, where like you have to own your feelings.

00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:39.600
Yeah, you have to own your feelings.

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And what happens for a lot of people, we're so emotional, we actually don't know that we're feeling something.

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Yeah.

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Uh, and and to be fair, whenever you are feeling so upset, you don't, you can it's hard to look objectively on yourself and be like, I am emotionally compromised right now.

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Yeah.

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I am, I am um uh so emotionally stimulated that all I can see is the person in front of me is doing a lot of wrong.

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Wrong, wrong, wrong.

00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:04.879
Yeah.

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And I need to point it out to them because that's the thing that's hurting me.

00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:13.039
And it might not actually be the thing that's hurting you, but because that's all you can see, because you've lost your peripheral vision.

00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:14.080
You have tunnel vision.

00:09:14.240 --> 00:09:16.639
Yeah, you get tunnel vision, emotional tunnel vision.

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It's just so um, it's called emotional flooding, right?

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Where you just got all the emotions come in, and all you see is the enemy, and so therefore you have to attack them.

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And if in a relationship, if you can see that's what you're about to do, that's why uh one of the things I always talk about is called a controlled withdrawal.

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Like, yeah, just chill out, withdraw in a way that doesn't create like, don't stonewall, don't um you know, storm out.

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And but when you kind of say, I'm emotionally compromised, I am flooded right now, and I want to respond in a way that's healthy, but I can't.

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So give me some time that will bless the relationship in a big way.

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Yeah.

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Um, and I and I think that's hard again, it's hard to see that, which is why I always tell people when you start to feel yourself go there, just stop before you get full on flooded.

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Because when you're flooded, you're like, I don't care what you think.

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You know, you can't even hear, you can't, there is no ability to kind of um self-regulate.

00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:14.159
Yes.

00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:15.519
Yes.

00:10:15.840 --> 00:10:17.440
So have you experienced any of that?

00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:18.320
Yes.

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At what point are you is there now?

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This might be the part that let's get practical.

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At what point in this experience where you know, like I probably should stop right now, but I'm now a past the point, like there's I'm past the point of no return.

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Like I just can't, I can't go back because I'm like fully committed, I'm emotionally into this, and there's no going back.

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And so I'm gonna have to just express everything.

00:10:47.039 --> 00:10:50.399
Um, I don't go into express everything mode when that happens.

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I'm shut down.

00:10:51.919 --> 00:10:52.480
Shut down.

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I shut down.

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Right.

00:10:55.039 --> 00:10:55.679
Yeah.

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Which is like not something that I've ever experienced before um until I was in a serious committed relationship.

00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:04.559
Yeah.

00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:06.799
So one of the things that I'm a shutdown person myself.

00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:08.960
And so what I say is like, I'm slowly shutting down.

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It's happening, shutting down, shutting down.

00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:12.399
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:13.679
Yeah.

00:11:14.960 --> 00:11:17.600
But yeah, or yeah, that happens.

00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:23.840
So I think that that is a it is a relationship technique and skill to stay engaged.

00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:31.600
Uh and to and and especially if you're um in a relationship with somebody who keeps repeating themselves.

00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:34.960
Uh, I call that grinding or racetracking.

00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:37.039
Like you're like, let's take another lap around.

00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:37.919
I don't think you heard it.

00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:44.960
I don't think you say the exact same thing, the one way, no two way, five hundred ways.

00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:54.240
It's the Indianapolis 500 of saying the same thing over and over and over again so that you understand how right I am.

00:11:54.399 --> 00:12:00.159
Now that is a manipulation technique, which they probably don't know because all they're trying to do is get you to understand.

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They think what you need is more words.

00:12:02.639 --> 00:12:03.279
Yeah.

00:12:04.639 --> 00:12:05.039
Yeah.

00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:09.360
But actually, what I need is time to process all of the words.

00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:10.639
Why don't you understand right now?

00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:11.200
How about now?

00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:11.840
How about now?

00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:12.399
Yeah.

00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:13.440
What a person does.

00:12:13.519 --> 00:12:18.480
So when a person is gets gets in the racetrack, they think your silence is you not understanding.

00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:30.320
And so what needs to happen, this is why the active listening becomes so helpful, is you go, hmm, it sounds like you're saying that I'm a very stubborn person and I'm feeling a lot of friction about my wedding or whatever the thing is.

00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:30.480
Yeah.

00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:33.200
And then you go, and then they go, Yes, exactly.

00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:36.960
And then when they start to say it again, you go, like, did I get it wrong?

00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:40.080
And then they go, No, but I don't think you're understanding.

00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:41.679
It's like, you just said I understood.

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I need time to process, and that will bless everybody to kind of shut down the racetrack.

00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:48.080
Yeah, that's helpful.

00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:49.600
That's helpful.

00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:50.080
Yeah.

00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.000
But it's that doesn't make it any easier.

00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:52.799
It doesn't.

00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:57.759
So the hard part, like, like I, you know, I'm in school for counseling.

00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.440
I've been taught all of these marvelous active listening skills.

00:13:01.519 --> 00:13:04.240
And like I use them successfully in counseling sessions.

00:13:04.399 --> 00:13:04.720
I do.

00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:05.919
I know I can do this.

00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:11.279
I do it with my friends, I do it with coworkers, I do it with other counselors.

00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:13.519
Like, I know I can do it.

00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:32.480
It's just like in the moment, it is really hard because of the emotional flooding that you're talking about to like pull yourself out of that like vortex of feelings to then like use your brain in a very different way to be able to like focus on what your partner is saying and be like, this is what I think you mean.

00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:32.799
Right.

00:13:32.960 --> 00:13:33.679
Did I get that right?

00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:34.240
That's good.

00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:39.519
But also like say that in a way that's not like, I think this is what you're saying.

00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:40.480
Is that right?

00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:42.799
Like, so how about that's my problem.

00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:55.600
You're there are some people who have a small, a limited lid of what they can handle in negative interaction with their spouse, partner, whatever, you know, fine fiance, right?

00:13:55.840 --> 00:14:14.720
So there's a so some people have like this much space and they are they're down to party, they can have a conversation, and there are people who have like this much space where their emotional comp they get flooded like real quick because they're they're living uh in an emotional max at all times.

00:14:14.879 --> 00:14:16.159
Have you seen that?

00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:19.360
Emotional max at all times, right here.

00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:26.159
So have has anyone taught you any exercises that you can do to sort of lift your lid of emotional max?

00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:27.440
No, I didn't even know I could do that.

00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:28.960
Yeah, you totally do that.

00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:44.960
All right, so a couple of things that's really um if you can understand there is a reason the way that you are, and so this is the part where um James 1.5, if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God to give generous all without finding fault, and we'll be given to him.

00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:55.759
All right, when you ask God to help you understand your emotions, because the reason why your emotions are right here, especially with the one you care about, okay?

00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:01.679
Yeah, it's not because you don't have enough baggage with your fiance for it to be him.

00:15:02.159 --> 00:15:02.480
Yeah.

00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:22.320
So then you've got to then go, crud, what what baggage am I bringing that I already have that I am bringing into this relationship that he is gonna have to deal with, and that I have a limited capacity for emotional friction, which is gonna make our first year of marriage an absolute hell-raising and adventure.

00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:22.720
Yeah.

00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:33.440
And so what you do is you go through like, where are the wounds of your past that you're now you're now fighting the person your past with the one you love the most in your present.

00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:33.840
Yeah.

00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:34.639
Does that make sense?

00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:34.960
Yeah.

00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:40.960
And so the exercise goes through what emotion have I buried that it's actually not buried.

00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:42.320
It's just right here.

00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:50.480
And that's why I have a limited amount of emotional capacity because I go from zero to flooding in 60 seconds, and I'm sitting there cannot figure it out.

00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:52.240
It's because you're fighting that past.

00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:54.879
And so you're you're projecting onto that person.

00:15:55.039 --> 00:16:24.399
And here's what if you've had a this is what happens for people who've had difficult uh family upbringing, is that um there is a greater tendency for you to look at your um to look at your current uh relationship, and when they start to do something that's similar or remotely similar to what the the people of your past who hurt you do, you go right for, you know, it's an incrimination.

00:16:24.559 --> 00:16:27.279
I know where this is going, and you put up the protection.

00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:34.320
Whereas somebody who had an incredible family and they were like blah la, everything was great.

00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:41.919
When you do something that's unaligned with your character, you know, that's weird, that's not aligned with your character, and you you give it a pass.

00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:43.279
Okay.

00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:51.200
Now, I I think I've talked about this a bunch in sermons, but I talked about there's vengeance, there's mercy, and there is grace.

00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:51.519
Yeah.

00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:54.559
Um, you know, vengeance is well, I'm gonna, oh, you just did that to me.

00:16:54.639 --> 00:16:56.960
Oh, you bet you better, I'm gonna give it back back to you.

00:16:57.200 --> 00:16:59.200
Mercy is like, oh, don't worry about it.

00:16:59.360 --> 00:17:00.080
It's fine.

00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:00.399
Yeah.

00:17:00.559 --> 00:17:02.960
And what you do with mercy is you absorb the blow.

00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:03.440
Okay.

00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:03.919
Yeah.

00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:13.359
Grace goes like this is where I love you too much to not let you know that the thing that you did hurt me and it's actually hurting you.

00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:24.640
And if we're gonna be linked together for any period of time, then I need to share with you the thing that hurt me and allow you to say and own the sin that you committed.

00:17:24.799 --> 00:17:29.599
And then I need, but as God's, you know, as I need to then forgive you properly.

00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:39.920
What happens is, especially in everyone's first year of marriage, you stack up mercy, you stack up a ton of mercy, and you're like, oh, I love her, or he's so cute.

00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:41.359
I he doesn't know what he's doing.

00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:44.400
Dagger, dagger, dagger, and you're absorbing the blow.

00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:51.599
And if you're a person who grew up in unhealthy relationships your whole life, you've got a lot of wounds that you're just still bleeding out on.

00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:54.799
You got a hatchet in your back that you don't fully wrap your head around.

00:17:54.880 --> 00:18:03.519
And anytime your fiance or new spouse touches it, you lose your ever-living mind because don't they know?

00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:12.640
And then when you what happens after the battle, you go, you're just like, and then you bring up that person for the past and you put it on top of them, and they're like, I just got here.

00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:13.440
Yeah.

00:18:16.319 --> 00:18:18.559
That's a wonderful illustration.

00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:21.279
So I I think here's in this.

00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:22.319
So what happens?

00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:29.839
Um, here's how, here's how um baggage or here's why a lot of people's emotional lids never grow.

00:18:29.920 --> 00:18:31.680
In fact, they get smaller and smaller over time.

00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:36.960
Is we've, you know, we're not doing vengeance for the most part, unless they're an ex-wife or an ex-husband.

00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:40.240
You're like, oh, I will now fully give full vent to my rage.

00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:40.559
Yeah.

00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:52.400
What happens is we've been, we go, you're absorbing, you're absorbing, you're absorbing, and then passive aggressive barbs come out because you have no other way to vent, but you got to kind of say something and to kind of stick it to them.

00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.480
And that happens within year one.

00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:57.839
And then the person that gets attacked like that's like, I didn't do anything, I just got here.

00:18:57.920 --> 00:18:59.039
What's what are you talking about?

00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:00.720
Why are you being so mean to me?

00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:01.599
What did I do?

00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:02.960
And then they're confused.

00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:06.400
Now, if they had a healthy family, they might go, like, hey, that's not aligned with your character.

00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:16.880
But if they also had screwed up parents, then now all of a sudden you've got two people going at it based on relationships of their past, and they're put putting projecting it all on the present.

00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:17.680
Yeah.

00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:19.920
So there you go.

00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:20.799
Yep.

00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:22.240
Yep.

00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:29.200
So again, the the way the exercise then is, and this will be probably really helpful to do with your fiance.

00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:29.680
Yeah.

00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:38.240
And you sit down, you go, like, hey, I want you to ask me questions about my family of origin, the the relationships in the past that have hurt.

00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:41.359
And then you start to walk through that pain.

00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:49.599
And then how, like, because you're you're and for the most part, you're not gonna have like, I'm gonna go all the people that hurt me and go sit down with them and be like, here's how you hurt me.

00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:50.960
Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:19:51.119 --> 00:19:52.400
Um, will you forgive me?

00:19:52.559 --> 00:19:52.799
Yes.

00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:53.920
What can I do to make it right?

00:19:54.000 --> 00:20:02.640
You're in general, you're gonna have a hard time to do that unless you can go do that uh with like a mom or a dad or a brother or sister or whatever the thing is.

00:20:02.799 --> 00:20:07.279
That's important to go and do because that's like the the emotional inventory that needs to be done.

00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:13.440
And what you've been probably doing with those people for so long is like, as I will eventually get out of this house, I eventually have to deal with them.

00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:20.160
And then what you didn't realize is all the you were giving is now the per the new house that you're living in, they're gonna get your full wrath.

00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:20.960
Yeah.

00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:22.960
Anyway, there you go.

00:20:23.119 --> 00:20:23.440
Yeah.

00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:24.960
So there's the exercise.

00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:32.799
Go and emotionally deal with the pain of your past so that you don't bring it into your marriage, which is good news.

00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:33.920
Good news.

00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:35.279
You have like a year.

00:20:35.440 --> 00:20:36.160
That's true.

00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:38.799
Have you said on a wedding date yet?

00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:39.039
No.

00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:39.519
Oh, yeah.

00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:41.839
So what you do we we're still trying to get a venue.

00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:43.119
So when we get a venue, we'll get a date.

00:20:43.359 --> 00:20:44.640
Because I would chapter your life.

00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:46.799
You've probably heard me talk about chapter people's lives.

00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:47.599
Yeah.

00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:54.079
So you go, here's you know, the first, you know, like four years old to eight years old.

00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:55.200
There's what my life was like.

00:20:55.279 --> 00:20:57.519
Here's the high points I remember, low points I remember.

00:20:57.599 --> 00:20:59.839
Here's this wound that's sort of festering that I haven't dealt with.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:01.519
I've done this eight million times.

00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:09.359
Then, then, then after that, you go, what pain am I bringing to the current relationship that I haven't fully dealt with?

00:21:09.519 --> 00:21:18.960
That that my current, I'm I need you need to connect what that this, your your current relationship does that remind you of that pain from the past.

00:21:19.119 --> 00:21:19.440
Yeah.

00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:28.559
That's the part where you kind of bring that to the Lord and then have him pray over you and like really get that because the reason that you're angry or hurt or all the things, it's bitterness.

00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:35.440
The root of bitterness is the pain of the past, and until we get to a place of forgiveness, which is why forgiveness things like I'm forgiven.

00:21:35.519 --> 00:21:52.319
I don't you have mercy, mercy, you you've been shelling out mercy for the longest time, but you haven't allowed your soul um to understand that it's been emotionally um ripped apart and you're now taking all that from your past and your present.

00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:52.880
Yeah.

00:21:54.480 --> 00:22:03.359
You know, I realized on Sunday truly how powerful forgiveness is.

00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:12.000
Um like when I was I wouldn't even really call it apologizing.

00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:20.640
I think I was I was actually confessing to Nick like what I was feeling really convicted about.

00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:31.279
And I was saying that like I was I regretted like doing these like things to him that were not right and were grounded in sin and all of that stuff.

00:22:31.359 --> 00:23:05.839
But like I and like I had already gone before the Lord and everything, and um I I asked him if he would forgive me, and his demeanor completely shifted when I asked him that, and he was like, Of course I forgive you, and like that like that wow like I don't have words obviously for how great that felt.

00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:07.279
Yeah, yeah, oh that's so good.

00:23:07.680 --> 00:23:22.559
But like it, you know, and we have like continued our conversation after that, but like like going through through all of that, the confession, the forgiveness, like all of it was really healing, I think.

00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:31.440
Yeah, and the other thing to think about is um gratitude reduces anxiety.

00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:33.279
So here's what I mean.

00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:45.200
So the more uh this now I'm getting to my kids, like you know, one of the things we're trying to do is not is to build so they're not battling all the fights that kids have is uh the worry about I'm not gonna get what I need.

00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:50.960
I won't get time on the video game, I won't get time to watch the show, I won't get the dessert, I won't get the ice cream, I won't get time with dad.

00:23:51.119 --> 00:23:57.359
And so when you start building into uh uh your kids thankfulness, it reduces anxiety.

00:23:57.440 --> 00:23:59.680
And the same thing is true just of adults as well, obviously.

00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:00.079
Yeah.

00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:27.599
Um, so like you know, we we we we say stuff like it's you know, count your blessings, be thankful, but I think sometimes we don't understand that it has a direct impact on your brain as the way that you feel, and the more that you're able to kind of just sit in a moment of thankfulness, even if it's one or two seconds to go like, God, thank you so much that I have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me and they want to deal with all the stress that I sort of bring to the table.

00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:28.000
Yeah.

00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:28.480
Boom.

00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:38.000
Now then you kind of you preep four or five of those and you say it out loud, and they're hearing and hearing of you know, whoever it that brings the the emotional climate down.

00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:38.319
Yeah.

00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:46.640
So that you that also again that builds into your emotional resilience, uh, so that you're not just sort of like always just about to burst to the top.

00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:47.359
Yeah.

00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:48.400
Here you go.

00:24:48.640 --> 00:24:49.279
Yeah.

00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:50.720
100%.

00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:51.680
Yeah, yeah.

00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:52.720
So, all right, agreed.

00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:53.920
You're gonna be a counselor.

00:24:54.319 --> 00:24:56.720
I'm gonna be a counselor, God willing, I'm gonna be a counselor.

00:24:57.119 --> 00:24:58.319
So, what do you need to make that happen?

00:24:58.480 --> 00:25:08.799
Um, I need uh at the moment, I need 40 direct client hours, and I only have seven, and we're halfway through the semester.

00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:12.480
So ideally, I should probably have at least people with some problems.

00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:13.200
Yeah, I do.

00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:17.119
I need people with some problems, big problems, little problems.

00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:18.880
It doesn't matter what the problems are.

00:25:19.119 --> 00:25:19.440
Okay.

00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:26.400
I can see people as young as 13 years old all the way to as old as they can be.

00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:26.960
Okay.

00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:27.759
All right.

00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:28.720
That that's perfect.

00:25:28.799 --> 00:25:34.000
Okay, so let's get into then what um oh, I think we have some questions.

00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:34.720
Oh, you want that?

00:25:35.039 --> 00:25:40.640
We have a question from uh the I don't know if the bag is the right way to put that.

00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:44.319
Uh we have a question that came in to Pastorplex Podcast.

00:25:44.400 --> 00:25:47.440
We are so grateful for uh the asker for asking.

00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:49.599
Do you want to read it for us and we'll get into an answer?

00:25:49.839 --> 00:25:50.240
Yes.

00:25:50.559 --> 00:26:02.559
So this listener was listening to Unshaken Matthew 25, which is about the parable of the ten virgins, and that parable always gets to them.

00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:05.279
Um, they say, I don't quite understand it.

00:26:05.440 --> 00:26:07.440
I get the big picture, be ready for the Lord.

00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:13.359
What I don't understand is why wouldn't the five virgins share the oil with the other five?

00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:18.480
I think if your faith is strong, you could share and trust that God will keep your oil filled.

00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:21.599
I have been told that it's just too late for them.

00:26:21.759 --> 00:26:24.960
But then I think it's is it ever too late to share the gospel?

00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:28.160
Why would you send them away when you know when you know the gospel?

00:26:28.319 --> 00:26:29.839
Please help me make sense of this.

00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:30.319
Right.

00:26:30.559 --> 00:26:36.319
So um I I appreciate that that person um asking the question.

00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:37.839
And it's it's a really good question.

00:26:38.079 --> 00:26:39.839
The problem is understanding parables.

00:26:40.079 --> 00:26:45.759
Parables aren't meant, they're meant to teach one specific lesson.

00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:47.440
Yeah, so context is important.

00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:55.279
Yeah, so when you when you're asking this question, you know, sometimes we want to get into so sometimes parables are not one specific lesson.

00:26:55.359 --> 00:27:04.799
So, for example, the parable of the sower, it talks about the different soils, each soil has a different meaning, but it's all about the the responses of a person to the gospel.

00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:05.839
The gospel, all right.

00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:12.079
So in this case, it's Jesus is coming, and who are the ones who are ready?

00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:19.440